Dreams

Did you ever have the dream that your alarm clock went off and you got up and ate breakfast and got ready for school? And then your alarm really went off and you really woke up and you were disoriented for a minute about what had happened?

I have that dream periodically although I'm not getting ready for school in the dream anymore, I'm doing other stuff. I haven't ever dreamed that I was sleeping though. It's an interesting thing to consider. Would you dream that you were watching yourself sleep? Or would it be something else?

Sleep is strange. I love it anyway.

I Dreamed that I was Sound Asleep
by Kenn Nesbitt

I dreamed that I was sound asleep
and lying in my bed,
and in my dream another dream
was drifting through my head.

And in that dream I had a dream
and in it I was dreaming
a dream about a dream until
I woke up nearly screaming.

It seems to dream you're dreaming
is a terrible mistake.
I can't tell which dream ended
and I'm not sure I'm awake.

What are your recurring dreams? (And please remember that my Little Friend reads my blog so don't get too graphic.)

My dear little Buttercup

I haven't seen her in a couple weeks and there's a bit of a heartache beginning to form. I'm hoping to see her next weekend.

When I was at the VA hospital last week with Grampy, I heard a baby making baby noises. When I went over to admire the baby and commented that she was lucky to spend time with the pretty little girl, the grandmother of the baby said that whenever she misses the baby she just goes and gets her.

Hmmmm...

Bang bang

On the door, baby, bang bang. Hen-roo. Rusted.

I absolutely love it when I'm driving in my car alone and every song on the radio is good.

Even when I don't know the words.

(Please don't try to enlighten me as to the meaning of "glitter" or "tin roof, rusted". I don't want to know what goes on in your dirty mind.)

Some of my favorite people

live only in books:

• Anne Shirley.
• Prue Sarn.
• Tess Durbeyfield.
• Jane Eyre.
• Hester Prynne.
• Sir Percy Blakeney.
• Juliet Ashton.

They are all old friends. (I guess they live in movies too but with the exception that proves the rule -Emma Woodhouse - everyone knows the book is always better.)

But I also love a certain kind of nonfiction. Right now I'm reading a book for book club called Candy Freak, by Steve Almond. It's nonfiction. It's about candy. It is outrageously funny and I highly recommend you get yourself immediately to the nearest bookstore or public library and pick it up.

Deep thoughts

Somebody agreed with me yesterday, in a sort of offhand manner, that I am stingy and mean. I knew that about myself already but I thought it was a secret. Mr. Dub jokes that I am stingy and rationing and controlling but I thought it was a joke about how often ... well ... I thought it was just a joke. I thought me being stingy and mean was one of those things that I knew deep down - I didn't realize it showed so much that other people would notice. It was an eye-opening moment for me.

So I'm reiterating my 2010 resolutions: I will be more gentle and loving with the people who inhabit my little world and the strangers who cross my path. I will think before I speak. I will strive to live in the moment instead of obsessing about what has happened already or what might happen later.

I'm also adding a new resolution: I will try to remember to be generous and open with my time, my talents, and my other resources - in other words, I will be more concerned with sowing than reaping. It's hard for me to do this because there are a lot of people in the world who will suck the life out of you and not even think twice about it. It's like in that A&E show "Hoarders" where the psychologists and organizers are SO much more concerned about the feelings and well-being of the crazy, sick, filthy (lazy?) person than the five other people who have to live with him/her and put up with all of that. I think that's nuts. And wrong. And I think maybe it feeds the crazy person's selfishness.

That's a stingy and mean thing to say, isn't it? So you can see that "stingy and mean" is deeply rooted here. It will be tough to get past it. It's a fine line I think - between generous and selfless and kind, and doormat who doesn't look out for her own needs and wants. Do you think that's true? Do un-stingy people periodically get taken advantage of and does it bother them? Or do they brush it off, get over it, and move on?

To give myself a break from an already low self-esteem and a nearly paralyzing fear of not just looking ridiculous but also being ridiculous, I will try to remember that a lot of my faults and shortcomings are bad habits which can be changed rather than an inherently bad character. I will try to remember that that is true of everybody.

I don't really love these eye-opening moments. I hope I don't have to have too many of them.

Becoming Grammy

My grandmother got a big kick out of recording commercials that she liked (also music videos) and then making everybody watch them with her when we visited her. It was huge for her. We sort of joked about it behind her back - that if you visit Gram you'll have to watch all her favorite commercials. She especially loved commercials that had animals in them.

I think I'm getting old. Or Grammy-ish. Because although I haven't started recording commercials yet, I did say to Grampy today while we were watching TV that "this is my favorite commercial".

Actually I have two favorite commercials. That Iams bulldog is just so darn cute. The other one I like is the Tostitos salsa flamenco dancer one with the fan/knife. It's so creative and fun and the music is awesome.

Please send help right away. Because although I loved Gram and I think she was super fun and interesting, and I don't mind getting older, and so far being a Grammie is nothing short of fantastic, I don't like commercials. I don't. And the fact that I am now actually analyzing commercials for their artistic value and/or cuteness factor and then deciding that one of them is my favorite commercial really bothers me. Favorite commercial? Really?

Really.

People love me

My Little Friend left a note for me on my desk this morning. You know, because I worry about where he is.

My grand-dad gave me $20 this afternoon. You know, because I'm awesome.

(And if you haven't yet guessed what the Täby Galopp is, you still have a chance to win! Be sure to leave your guess on the entry about Täby, Sweden.)

Täby, Sweden

Taylor has been transferred to the mission office in Täby. I went online to find out a little bit about the city. Here's what I thought was interesting:

1. There are runes there.
2. Täby used to be a city in its own right. Now it's considered a suburb of Stockholm. The Swedes seem proud of this. I guess urban sprawl doesn't bother them too much.
3. There are ruins dating from the Iron Age nearby to Täby. I hope Taylor gets to take the tour while he's there.

They also have a place called the Täby Galopp. It is Scandinavia's largest something. I'd like you to guess, without looking it up on the Internet, what the Galopp is.

It's not that hard if you think about it. The first three people who guess right will win a prize! Don't cheat! You know my prizes are small - it's really not worth cheating. Comments won't show up until three people have won.

Here's another little interesting tidbit. To type the a with the two little dots over it, as in Täby, press and hold down the alt button while typing 0228 on the numbers keypad on the right of your keyboard. To type the capital A with the dots, as in Äldste Walraven (Elder Walraven) press and hold the alt button while typing 0196 on the numbers keypad.

You can write a letter to Taylor. He receives letters and small packages weighing less than 4 pounds at:

Äldste Taylor S. Walraven
Sweden Stockholm Mission
PO Box 2087
SE- 183 02 Täby
Sweden

Or you can email him at eldertaylorwalraven@gmail.com. He would love to hear from you!

My Little Friend

He went to a birthday party yesterday. All the little boys were playing "war" after the party while waiting for their parents to pick them up. At one point, they all decided to trade guns. My Little Friend was willing so he traded guns with another kid.

He did not, however, trade "bullets".

You can always tell a little kid that has big brothers. They're savvy in the ways of war.

(In case you're wondering what kind of hooligans we're raising down here, the "bullets" are small, pink and white striped, plastic balls.)

Life is good

It really is. I'm thankful for so many things today. My friends, my family, my home, my faith, and my dear little Buttercup. I miss her so much.

I'm also thankful for my sunny and upbeat personality. : )

The VA

I spent the day at the VA hospital with my grand-dad. It was an eye-opening experience. If you ever need to feel like you are blessed more than you are afflicted, go to the veterans hospital and look around.

While you're there, talk to someone in the waiting room. I'll bet there isn't a group as open, friendly, and talkative as a bunch of vets with a lot of time on their hands.

But if you have to go there, plan on staying all day. Because that's how long it takes.

The Last Mimzy

Grampy and I watched it tonight. It was pretty good. He thought so too. And that is really saying something!

I think she knows

And she realizes it's pretty serious.

I've got nothing

I 've got nothing good to say, that is.

I could talk about how the boys have been home all day. I offered to take them on an adventure since they didn't have school today. They said no. They said they would rather play video games.

I could talk about how I looked all over today for another amigurumi pattern book. And found out that I am quite a few years behind the trend and might not find many that are still in print.

I could talk about how my grand-dad has urinated all over my bathroom floor almost every day that he's been here.

Instead of talking about any of those things I'll wish you all a good night and a happy, sweet-smelling tomorrow!

Hmmm

Either:

1. my taste has changed so much that I'm getting to be that kind of strange old lady who does bizarre things with crochet (Have you ever seen a crocheted doily-type thing that covers a spare roll of toilet paper? I have.) or
   
2. the craft world has changed so much that a crocheted toy is super cute.

Have you heard of amigurumi? I got a couple of books full of patterns for this stuff for Christmas. I tried one - an alligator for a very cute little boy that belongs to some friends of ours. My boys think they are adorable and want one for themselves, and my grand-dad thinks I should start making one for every baby that's born in our church congregation. What do you think?

Oh yeah, I'm social

Although she's been smiley and happy since she was born, we got a good look at Avery's first real social smiles today.

This is one deliciously sweet little chica.

Hello? Is anyone home?

I'm back! Back, that is, to having a computer and Internet at home. There were several anxious moments when I had to remember what to do with myself during my occasional stay-at-home-mom downtime. No way to keep up with my favorite people/blogs/games - I was at a loss, I'm telling you! But I'm back in business here although I have lots of email catching up to do (Hi Cathi! I loved hearing from you and will write you back very soon!).

With no Internet and therefore a few empty hours every day I was beginning to find my busy bee groove again and was getting a lot of things accomplished when the cosmos smiled upon me and intervened in a big way.

Little Buttercup came to visit unexpectedly! And all accomplishing came to a grinding halt.

I had her pretty much all to myself for 48 hours. I say "pretty much" because I had to give her up every once in a while to the men inhabiting the Dub home -everybody wants to love on this baby. I definitely had her all to myself during the night - I'm currently a couple days behind on my beauty sleep.

But oh, what a lovely time we've had! She's sweet, she's cute, she's very wide awake. All the time. She missed her mama quite a bit, and we've witnessed some little outbursts of temper:

But mostly things were sunshine and smiles. What a love she is. Even when she's certain we're all complete amateurs at this baby-tending stuff.

I'm glad to be back on the blog. See you tomorrow!

winter

We don't usually get much of a winter. This year we do. It's cold. And while I appreciate cool, even chilly, I don't love cold.

My computer died today. Mr. Dub's diagnosis is that it "doesn't look good". Which begs the question "So... what now?" but I haven't asked it yet. I'm hoping the solution will be apparent to him and he'll just take care of it for me.

In the morning I drive 3 hours north to get my grandfather. He'll be visiting for a couple of months or until we can't stand one another anymore.

Maybe when I get back late tomorrow afternoon, it will have warmed up a little. Maybe there will be a new computer waiting for me. Maybe Grampy's mood will have lightened.

You know, it never hurts to send out into the cosmos what you want. (If one of my wishes hasn't come true, it may be a while before I get back to my blog.)

Mama-made

Despite all our attempts to convince him that they are lame, my Little Friend has remained firm in his desire for a snuggie. So he and I made a trip last week to the fabric store to pick out some fleece.

Apparently there was a conversation about snuggies at school yesterday, and he informed me that he will be "the only one with a dark green snuggie that his own mama made".

Sweet.

It was actually a very quick, easy and even fun project. And just in time for some extreme (for us, anyway) winter weather.

Oh heck

I watched Oprah today. For the first time in many, many years. Maybe 10 or 15 years. I consider watching Oprah a sign that things are not okay inside my head and can usually talk myself out of it. But today she had some people who've appeared on that A&E show Hoarders.

I think that I know quite a few people who are hoarders and I was wondering while I was watching it if it is such a common problem that everyone knows quite a few people who are hoarders, or if there is something about me that attracts hoarders into my life.

I think that I am the opposite of a hoarder - I feel compelled and obsessed with decluttering and unloading "excess" stuff. I wonder if that qualifies as a mental illness itself. It has interfered with my relationships at times. It definitely makes me feel upset and angry if there is a lot of stuff laying around. Isn't there a show about a woman who can't feel sentimental about things and desires to throw away all her family's crap?

I am repelled, disgusted, and at the same time unable to look away from that show. It may be cliche but how do people live like that?

I was feeling much better today about things but now I'm worried that watching Oprah may be a signal that things are taking a bad turn. Then I read an article, after briefly considering calling the doctor for an Rx and nipping this thing in the bud, that anti-depressants are no more effective than a placebo in all but the most severe depression.

So that was just really wonderful news.

good luck, Buttercup

Avery is the queen of funny faces. (A little bitty queen to be sure.) Even when she's asleep her face is rarely still.

I took that sweet little girl and her mama home today. They're truly on their own now. Karie is a good mama so I'm sure it will be fine. It's going to be fine. It will surely be fine. It's going to be just fine.

I'm not sure yet how I am supposed to get along without her. Still feeling a lot of what was going on yesterday so dropping them off in Austin feels like a big loss.

bummer

Today has been a tough day - some days are like that. I've been trying to focus on my resolutions and have consequently allowed myself to live in the now by feeling and validating the emotions I'm having instead of ignoring them and waiting for them to fade while at the same time not issuing orders, condemnation, and ultimatums to the ones I love.

It's tricky. It's a sorrowful time of year for me, full of remembered grief. My inclination is to lash out and hurt people because I'm hurt but my choice is to love, although it might take me a minute to get there.

Resolution #3

I resolve to live my life more fully in the moment in 2010. I think that my way of anticipating too much what will happen in the future, whether it is next week, next year, or later this afternoon makes me miss out too much on what's going on at present.

Resolution #2

In 2010 I resolve to think before I speak. Think, think, think. Then think again if I need to before I say anything. So that I only say what I mean, and always mean what I say.

I think this will be my hardest one to keep.

Resolution #1

In 2010 I resolve to be more loving and gentle with the people that I care about.