My bff D told me the other day that the Houston quilt show is next week. Next week! Last year when I went to the quilt show I made great plans - I was going to save up a million dollars (or some other amount of money) and buy lots of cool fabric and patterns and tools at the quilt show in 2011. So that I could make things and be the kind of person who has interests and skills and maybe even develop some talent.
That hasn't happened. My life has got in my way again.
My life has been doing that a lot lately. Every single week I say to myself that "as soon as this week is over and things settle down, THEN I'll be able to get to it", where "it" is anything from painting rooms and hallways, to making over closets or flower beds or the budget, to writing fun notes to old friends, to getting a handle (finally!) on the visiting teaching and other intricacies of my church job, to having the money both for savings AND a pedicure, to finally and definitively finishing up any of the number of unfinished craft projects I have going on at all times.
Why do I keep telling myself that things will ever settle down? Why do I always believe that one magical day will ever come when I have the time (not to mention the skill set) to actually accomplish something? Additionally I have come to fear that when that blessed, settled-down day is plucked from the future and plunked down in front of today, I will no longer have the inclination or the energy to do anything at all.
People tell me that that day will, in fact, come. I believe them. I know lots of elderly people who have no one who ever calls them, no one who ever needs them, no one who cares what they do with their time or their money. That the day will come when I will have all the time in the world to myself. That I will look back to these over-busy, over-filled, chaotic, crazy and hassle-filled days and long for them again in my life.
I read in a blog the other day about something similar. It was someone that I don't know lamenting that her small child was screaming at her that she hates her. And that people would tell her to enjoy these brief moments because one day - presumably when her kids are grown - she'll miss them. And she said something that really resonated with me: "It's like, I lose now and I lose later."
It's been a whole year since I went to the quilt show with my mom and realized some of the possibilities that are out there for a person like me. And here I am, a whole year later, telling myself that it's not time yet, that things will settle down, that someday I'll do them. Some day. Some day that is later than now.
I fear that "later" will never come for me. I realize that what I'm going through right now today will most certainly change into something else, but I'm afraid that things will only be different, not better. The kids will never be completely raised or independent or happy all at the same time; the house will never be or stay completely clean, decorated, and maintained; the part of the world that I'm responsible for will never be sufficiently organized; all so that I can enjoy some free time to think. Just to think! I need something good to look forward to that is 100% or I might lose my freakin' mind.
Even though all this is not truly about the quilt show or quilting, I guess I will go to the quilt show next week and contemplate my possibilities. I will try to not think about how they are realities for other people.
Other people. That's a whole 'nother post!
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ReplyDeleteI'm going to send you a picture of the center of my red-work quilt. In case you see Lori Smith you can show her. I LOVE it, but it's very tedious working with it--all red and white. So far I only have one row done of the center section. It's going to be a really big quilt! Each block has 8 half-square triangles and I'm pressing the seams open (I know it's probably the definition of insanity) and there are 77 of these in the center. There are also 77 larger half-square triangle blocks--alternating. It's slow going but I'm not bored with it. I'm still amazed that I have developed the patience to do this!
ReplyDeleteGrammy told me one time that some day I'd be able to take a nap any time I want. Well, that day is here, and I almost never take a nap--because with my children gone, I just am not quite so tired as I used to be. Who knew?
Sorry I deleted the first try--it was not well written. :(
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteMaybe instead of focusing on all the things you haven't done, you should look around you and see everything you have done. Emphasis on have. I would bold it but i don't know how. You are a productive person with lots of people who rely on you; I doubt you came to be that person by lollygagging, sleeping on the job, or being untrustworthy.
Also, as an aside, you are not responsible for making sure the people around you are happy. You may be responsible for feeding them and what not, but happiness, well...that isn't up to you. No wonder you feel overwhelmed, you are undertaking tasks that are not only impossible, but not yours to take. Not only that, but doing so seems to be getting in the way of the happiness of the single person whose happiness you are in charge of.
I'll be getting off work on the 11th, so if you wanted to come over or something, we Can ride to the wedding together. I think mom is staying with me too, and maybe Mark.
Amendment. I will be off work at noon on the 11th,
ReplyDelete