Mama-made

Despite all our attempts to convince him that they are lame, my Little Friend has remained firm in his desire for a snuggie. So he and I made a trip last week to the fabric store to pick out some fleece.

Apparently there was a conversation about snuggies at school yesterday, and he informed me that he will be "the only one with a dark green snuggie that his own mama made".

Sweet.

It was actually a very quick, easy and even fun project. And just in time for some extreme (for us, anyway) winter weather.

Oh heck

I watched Oprah today. For the first time in many, many years. Maybe 10 or 15 years. I consider watching Oprah a sign that things are not okay inside my head and can usually talk myself out of it. But today she had some people who've appeared on that A&E show Hoarders.

I think that I know quite a few people who are hoarders and I was wondering while I was watching it if it is such a common problem that everyone knows quite a few people who are hoarders, or if there is something about me that attracts hoarders into my life.

I think that I am the opposite of a hoarder - I feel compelled and obsessed with decluttering and unloading "excess" stuff. I wonder if that qualifies as a mental illness itself. It has interfered with my relationships at times. It definitely makes me feel upset and angry if there is a lot of stuff laying around. Isn't there a show about a woman who can't feel sentimental about things and desires to throw away all her family's crap?

I am repelled, disgusted, and at the same time unable to look away from that show. It may be cliche but how do people live like that?

I was feeling much better today about things but now I'm worried that watching Oprah may be a signal that things are taking a bad turn. Then I read an article, after briefly considering calling the doctor for an Rx and nipping this thing in the bud, that anti-depressants are no more effective than a placebo in all but the most severe depression.

So that was just really wonderful news.

good luck, Buttercup

Avery is the queen of funny faces. (A little bitty queen to be sure.) Even when she's asleep her face is rarely still.

I took that sweet little girl and her mama home today. They're truly on their own now. Karie is a good mama so I'm sure it will be fine. It's going to be fine. It will surely be fine. It's going to be just fine.

I'm not sure yet how I am supposed to get along without her. Still feeling a lot of what was going on yesterday so dropping them off in Austin feels like a big loss.

bummer

Today has been a tough day - some days are like that. I've been trying to focus on my resolutions and have consequently allowed myself to live in the now by feeling and validating the emotions I'm having instead of ignoring them and waiting for them to fade while at the same time not issuing orders, condemnation, and ultimatums to the ones I love.

It's tricky. It's a sorrowful time of year for me, full of remembered grief. My inclination is to lash out and hurt people because I'm hurt but my choice is to love, although it might take me a minute to get there.

Resolution #3

I resolve to live my life more fully in the moment in 2010. I think that my way of anticipating too much what will happen in the future, whether it is next week, next year, or later this afternoon makes me miss out too much on what's going on at present.

Resolution #2

In 2010 I resolve to think before I speak. Think, think, think. Then think again if I need to before I say anything. So that I only say what I mean, and always mean what I say.

I think this will be my hardest one to keep.

Resolution #1

In 2010 I resolve to be more loving and gentle with the people that I care about.