Somebody agreed with me yesterday, in a sort of offhand manner, that I am stingy and mean. I knew that about myself already but I thought it was a secret. Mr. Dub jokes that I am stingy and rationing and controlling but I thought it was a joke about how often ... well ... I thought it was just a joke. I thought me being stingy and mean was one of those things that I knew deep down - I didn't realize it showed so much that other people would notice. It was an eye-opening moment for me.So I'm reiterating my 2010 resolutions: I will be more gentle and loving with the people who inhabit my little world and the strangers who cross my path. I will think before I speak. I will strive to live in the moment instead of obsessing about what has happened already or what might happen later.
I'm also adding a new resolution: I will try to remember to be generous and open with my time, my talents, and my other resources - in other words, I will be more concerned with sowing than reaping. It's hard for me to do this because there are a lot of people in the world who will suck the life out of you and not even think twice about it. It's like in that A&E show "Hoarders" where the psychologists and organizers are SO much more concerned about the feelings and well-being of the crazy, sick, filthy (lazy?) person than the five other people who have to live with him/her and put up with all of that. I think that's nuts. And wrong. And I think maybe it feeds the crazy person's selfishness.
That's a stingy and mean thing to say, isn't it? So you can see that "stingy and mean" is deeply rooted here. It will be tough to get past it. It's a fine line I think - between generous and selfless and kind, and doormat who doesn't look out for her own needs and wants. Do you think that's true? Do un-stingy people periodically get taken advantage of and does it bother them? Or do they brush it off, get over it, and move on?
To give myself a break from an already low self-esteem and a nearly paralyzing fear of not just looking ridiculous but also being ridiculous, I will try to remember that a lot of my faults and shortcomings are bad habits which can be changed rather than an inherently bad character. I will try to remember that that is true of everybody.
I don't really love these eye-opening moments. I hope I don't have to have too many of them.
When that person agreed with you, she was really NOT agreeing with you, she was saying "I love you" in her own demented way... you must understand she was raised in a barn with 10 mean nasty cruel siblings who would rather die than say "I love you" - this expression of sentiment was conveyed with insults... the more witty the insult, the more love expressed... so when this person agreed with you, she was only joking in a loving way and was, in reality, saying, "I love you just the way you are, please don't change."
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ReplyDeleteI tend to be mean. Not on purpose, and not usually pre-meditated, but mean nevertheless. I am striving to be more generous of heart. I am sorry if you inherited any meanness from me, but I just don't see it in you. You have always seemed to be a much better person than I am. I am glad I'm your mother.
ReplyDeleteThe post i deleted rambled on and on for a few minutes about how you aren't mean and stingy, just honest and self preserving. I think it is important to have those qualities.
ReplyDeleteits ok Gabby - sounds like all us Warners were raised in that same barn too. :o)
ReplyDeleteSometimes its just honesty Amy. Sugar coating behaviors of other people only allows them to continue their ridiculous stupid behavior. "Being mean" is someone who does it on purpose with malice and forethought. Being honest - well maybe its the way you express your honesty - but sometimes being mean and nasty is REQUIRED! Remember those teens in your house...mean and nasty little suckers! :o)