How do you heal it? How do you find the right words to bind up such a deep and festering wound? My instinct is to jolly him along and try to lighten things up but that's not working.My own heart is breaking too for my dear old and lonely grand-dad. He's surrounded by people who love him and cherish him but he can't feel it through the pain.
All I can do is keep holding his hand and listen and offer words of love and encouragement.
oh gramps. that hurts my heart.
ReplyDeleteI've tried everything too. Lately I've been talking through (with him) why he might feel the way he does and that it's normal to hurt for a while over the loss of someone so close. Hopefully someday he'll come to grips with how long that should be. Recently I asked him how he felt and his response was not the ususal, "not good" but rather he said, "I'm feeling pretty good!" I understand from Bob that he's heard that too.
ReplyDeleteHe has good days and he has bad days. The good days tend to be the ones where he is distracted from thinking about Mother. After he's talked about it, Amy, see if you can get him on some other topics, like his childhood, the jobs he's had, the Army, WWII, and anything other than Enid.
ReplyDeleteHe'll perk up.
Depression doesn't generally just get better on its own. He says the doctor gave him some medicine for it, but he doesn't take it.
ReplyDeleteHe told me that he sits in the garage while he's doing his copper recovery wire-stripping and cries.
My 2-cents is that being home alone is no good for him. The house is quite isolated as far as being near Jeff or places he can walk to--even ride his scooter to. It's also the last place he and Mother were together. He says there are things they did together and items they used that he won't touch or do anymore.
It seems that he was doing rather better while he was visiting everyone right after Mother died.
Maybe he could come around and visit everybody again? I'm hoping that yesterday was hard on him because he missed not seeing his kids on Father's Day and not because he really wanted to die last night. I think he was especially sad because Jeff was planning to visit him and "do something fun" for Father's Day but then G came down here. If I'd known that his visit here interrupted those plans we could have postponed it!
ReplyDeleteone of the things I learned when training to help with a grief counseling group is that mourning is cyclical. Breaking the cycle is difficult, and may never happen. Most people who suffer a great death in their lives (i.e. a spouse) continue to grieve for the rest of their lives - but this is not necessarily a bad thing. Depression, on the other hand, is a whole other bear, that needs to be dealt with, and swiftly.
ReplyDeleteHe tells me he is tired of everyone telling him how to grieve, and how long that his grieving process should take. He needs to grieve, and may continue to grieve for the rest of his life. Finding happiness again for him, may not be possible, at least one that is comparable to what he felt with Gram. The problem with grieving retired seniors, is that they often have nothing else, or no one else - in their minds - that can ease that suffering in any way.
I always let him talk, let him express what he feels he needs to express, and I always validate his feelings. I gently steer him to funny memories of the BOTH of them, and remind him in that way how important HE is to this family, and that we need him. He needs Gram though - so its a tough paradox. He is tough and stubborn, and I would be surprised if he could ever be persuaded to take antidepressants or engage in counseling. He doesnt know what to do with himself now, and he doesnt want us to tell him what to do either. Besides, Im not sure we are the ones that should be telling him what to do.